What would you tell a 13-year-old you?

Sometimes life is shit. It throws itself at you, sweeps your feet out from under you and laughs as you try to pick yourself up. Sometimes people are shit. They'll trip you up, give you their unwanted opinions or simply refuse to give you the time of day. As an adult, I guess I've almost come to terms with these facts. I've learnt the rules of the game, the cheats, the back doors and how to pick myself up when adversity knocks me down. It has taken years. Several long, dark and seemingly interminable years to realize that although I may be different, it is something I can use to my advantage. To realize that despite approaching life with an alternative perspective, I am looking at the exact same world as the rest of this society. The people who didn't, couldn't or wouldn't understand me? They have their insecurities too. They go home and wonder what the hell they're doing with their lives. They deal with family issues. They tread carefully around particular topics in conversation because they know that talking about them makes them too much to bear. In other words, they are just like me, even though they don't realize it.

Experience is the greatest teacher. But what of those who have to deal with something as monumental as their sexuality at a young age? They don't have the advantage of knowing that the world is home to a vast collection of individuals and there are as many cool, loving, open-minded and open-hearted people as there are bigoted, selfish, self-righteous assholes. To these kids, their world consists solely of two things: home and school. There is little room for error and when one domain starts the crumble, the chance is that the other will too. I'm making reference to the recent spate of teen suicides in the US. To those boys, their small world had imploded entirely. 

I remember when I was a kid and had had a bad day at school. I'd come home and be unhappy all day; all I could think about was that terrible day at school. I couldn't enjoy the things I normally enjoyed because that unpleasant memory overrode everything; TV, games, books, my parents telling me that it is ok and that things can work out. Nothing mattered. This would always be about something trivial; a low grade on a test or a teacher getting cross with me [I was and probably still am very sensitive to that sort of thing]. Now imagine the 'cause' of this unhappiness was yourself. A part of who you are. Something you cannot change, despite probably having tried to in a number of ways, a number of times. Something you cannot escape from and something that you have seen cost people their marriages, jobs and even their lives. Imagine that being the foremost thought in your head, day in day out. Imagine classmates teasing you, mocking you and even physically harming you because of something you, in all likelihood, haven't even had the time or opportunity to come to understand yourself.

I am not going to crusade against bullying: that is something which affects every single child across the world. Whether it's for your buck teeth, your height, your freckles, your disabled sibling, your poor grades, your high grades, your torn shoes, your shiny shoes, your Superman lunchbox, your Spiderman pencil case. It happens to everyone. And it shouldn't, for any reason at all. Although these teenagers would probably still be alive today if they hadn't been bullied, then that also applies to the kids and teens who have committed suicide in the past because they were bullied for any reason other than their sexuality. Bullying should not exist but it does. Ask any of your friends. I can guarantee that 50% of them would say that they were on the receiving end and the other 50%  would apologetically admit that they had doled out their own fair share of torture. It is a reality of school; it's kill or be killed. Some might go so far as to suggest that bullying is part and parcel of society now. While we'd like to abolish it entirely, it probably would not work.

A number of projects and campaigns have been started following these suicides and bloggers all over the world have spoken out. Always a case of too little too late but at least some good will come of this macabre expression of human cruelty. I can't do what Joel Burns did and retell my story in hopes of someone changing their minds. I wasn't bullied because of my sexuality; that revelation came much later, when I was free of the primary and secondary school system. I was passively bullied as a kid because I was different and because the teachers thought I was bright. I can't say from experience what it's like to be harassed or called names or physically assaulted because it hasn't happened to me. But something else did happen to me. I grew up. Yes, there were moments, at the very bottom of that mental pit, when suicide had crossed my mind and sometimes became even more than just a fleeting thought. But I didn't do it. I stuck around. And I had a chance to grow up. I learnt about myself, about what kind of a person I am and what I want to be. I figured out that however well they hide it, everyone is terrified of being a little different. I found new things to occupy my expanding world, besides school and home. Music, literature, film, nature, friends. I started writing out of more than just a desire to experiment with words; I realized I had things to say and that I had the tools with which to say them. I learnt that my opinion counts; I know what I'm talking about when it comes to a number of topics. Yes, I'm still a little socially inept [the prospect of conversation sometimes makes me cringe], still prone to awkwardness, still likely to say something that someone else won't understand. People have quirks and hangups. All people, without exception.

I suppose that what I want to say is directed at those kids, somewhere out there in the world, who are facing great discoveries about themselves. Your world now is very small; what your parents and your schoolmates think is literally the only thing that matters. Chances are you're either picking on someone or being picked on. I personally don't believe that the kids doing the bullying are damaged. They have simply realized sooner that if they don't get there first, they'll be the next victim. They'll be on the receiving end if they don't assert their strength first. I know this is little consolation if you're getting your books thrown in bins or getting stuffed into your locker. But I can tell you that yes, it gets better from here.Your world gets bigger. You will find love, stability, acceptance, peace and balance in other places. Other people are out there, waiting to meet you, laugh with you and make memories with you and these people are far far away from the realm of school and home. Your life will consist of so many different places to channel your energy. Being different in one sense doesn't make the rest of your world fall apart. You will have other ways to deal with trouble, whether it's through talking to a friend, writing lyrics or just driving around for a while in your car. Yes, you will have to deal with adult issues and, more scarily, adults. But you will have experience on your side. You'll learn the ropes and take control and have a good chance at finding your place in the world. And even if you don't, there is always room for a little variety :)